


Feel Again

by fricklefracklestargirl



Series: Fall Into Rarepair Hell With Me [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, M/M, and i totally put yachi there at the end because she's yachi and i love her, and i'm so sorry Kenma please forgive me for all i put you through, i didn't mean for it turn out this way, kageyama is also a nerdlord, kurodai if you squint, mostly kenma-centric, past kenhina??, second chapter? Idk, sorta??, the original idea was complete fucking fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-09
Updated: 2016-07-29
Packaged: 2018-04-25 13:29:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4962409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fricklefracklestargirl/pseuds/fricklefracklestargirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Hey, has your roommate came in yet?”<br/>“No--”<br/>He began to push his key into the lock when the door swung open. He stepped back, gasping as the key fell from his grasp.<br/>“Kenma?” Kuroo’s voice came drifting out of the phone, muffled from it being shoved to his chest in shock.<br/>“Kozume-san?”<br/>Kenma’s eyes, which had been glaring at the key that had fallen to the ground, immediately shifted toward the voice. He was met with deep blue eyes, so dark they almost looked gray, and shivered for a moment in memory of that scowling face.</p><p>(Or Kenma and Kageyama are roommates in college)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title from OneRepublic's Feel Again.
> 
> Also small warning: There are a few small descriptions of anxiety attacks. Sorta.

Sitting amongst the green grass on campus, game console in his hands, and the cool breeze hitting his face, Kenma had to wonder why Kuroo insisted he go outside to do the same thing he would be doing inside. He supposes that it was a nice day, as it was just the beginning of spring. He had spoken to Kuroo not too long ago on the phone, and Kuroo had insisted that he go outside if it was nice out. His exact words were, “You need sun, Kenma. You need to see the light of day instead of the light of your phone screen.”

Except Kenma didn’t want to see the sun or sit in its warmth; he wanted to sit inside and play his game in the silence and darkness of his own room. Even after Kuroo had come to help him move into his new dorm room and spend time with him before he left for his own school, Kenma still felt a bit lonely. A full year of college had already gone past and he rarely spoke to anyone at the school other than his last roommate (and he only spoke to him when he needed to) and Yaku when he stopped by his room in between classes and work. 

A flash of Kuroo’s face had him cringing, the memory still lingering when Kuroo told him what school he was going to. It was the first of many moments to come that Kenma had felt his stomach sinking with dread. Once the realization sunk in that Kenma would not only lack Kuroo’s presence during his last year of high school but also not have him close enough to visit regularly, Kenma was faced with his own decision on college.

He really could’ve followed Kuroo if he had wanted to and a part of him  _ had _ wanted to. However, Kuroo had told him he didn’t  _ need _ to follow him. It was the first time he had cried in a very long time and hadn’t told Kuroo about it.

Then Hinata Shouyou flew to his side, coddling him in the warmth of his smile and bringing him into open arms. He had filled a space in Kenma’s life, at least for a little while. Kenma had found himself at the Hinata residence more often, when he could, and they all welcomed him. He had felt himself getting comfortable, lazy evenings spent sprawled out on Shouyou’s lap as he played video games, some nights letting Natsu play with his hair, and eating dinner at a table filled with the laughter and energy that he lacked. He got comfortable and didn’t brace himself for the impact of losing such warmth.

Kenma decidedly shook the thought, trying not to remember the frightening frown that had settled on Shouyou’s lips. Frowns really did not suit him. 

By the time Kenma had started talking to Kuroo semi-regularly again, he had already felt empty and tired. When he let Kuroo know of his choice in school, not being Kuroo’s, he could practically see the frown on his best friend’s face as he shakily let out, “It’ll be good for you.” And it hurt, it hurt more than losing Shouyou’s warmth because he could hear Kuroo lying through his teeth. Kuroo was still there, he always would be, but he was farther from his side than he had ever been. Kenma adjusted, outwardly at least. Inwardly, his insides still clenched thinking about it.

He sighed as he died again in his game, deciding to save where he was for the time being and call Kuroo back to tell him how horrible his plan was. Getting up to his feet and shoving his game console into his pocket, he started off to his room. His new roommate had yet to come in, which was starting to get worrisome seeing as classes started in only a couple of days. He supposes he’d enjoy the silence of the room while he could.

“Kuroo,” he spoke into his phone as he walked up the stairs to his room, “I saw the sun. It wasn’t that amazing.”

“We spoke only forty minutes ago, you weren’t even out there that long,” he could hear the other sigh. “Never mind, I give up. You’ll have to go out there anyway when classes start.”

“Don’t remind me,” he huffed out a breath, frowning deeply. He pulled out his key, only a couple steps away from his door. 

“Hey, has your roommate come in yet?”

“No--”

He began to push his key into the lock when the door swung open. He stepped back, gasping as the key fell from his grasp. 

“Kenma?” Kuroo’s voice came drifting out of the phone, muffled from it being shoved to his chest in shock.

“Kozume-san?”

Kenma’s eyes, which had been glaring at the key that had fallen to the ground, immediately shifted toward the voice. He was met with deep blue eyes, so dark they almost looked gray, and shivered for a moment in memory of that scowling face. Kenma clutched his phone tighter to his chest as he was coldly reminded of the frown on Shouyou’s lips he despised and the conversation that had brought it on. Then there was him, the setter that was the perfect match for Shouyou, the one with the terrifying aura. The one who unintentionally made his life spiral out of control even more than it had before.

His breath was stuck in his throat, his heart was beating too fast. He needed to leave. He didn’t want to be there. He could feel himself shaking and a part of him realized he was reacting ridiculously but all the other parts were screaming at him to go, leave, get out of there. He was still shaking and still standing there staring, breath coming in short and heavy. The only thing keeping him grounded was the call of Kuroo’s muffled voice from his chest.

“Kenma? Kenma are you there? You’re starting to worry me!” 

Finally his feet learned how to move, his legs trembling as he forced himself to turn away and run down the hall. He could vaguely hear a call of “Kozume-san?!” but he chose to ignore it.

 

“I’m not continuing volleyball after high school,” Kenma said quietly, keeping his eyes concentrated on the sheets on Shouyou’s bed. The warmth of the body beside him moved away and a cold shiver ran down his spine at the loss.

“Wha--Why? You’re so, so amazing! I mean, after high school I can go to the same school as you and be on your team with you! We could--”

“Weren’t you going to go with Kageyama?” The question hadn’t come out as bitter as he thought it would. It lacked all energy, quiet and detached. The heavy silence that proceeded it was horrible and deciding to chance a look at Shouyou’s face was even worse.

There was the frown. It broke something in him and he wanted to curse the other for being so open about his feelings. Kenma had once enjoyed being able to read Shouyou so easily because he was so honest with every emotion he felt, never once trying to hide them, but it came at a cost in moments like that. 

“We,” Shouyou breathed in and Kenma could tell he was holding in tears, “could go together. All of us. Why can’t we?”

“Kageyama and I are both setters.” It was more than that. It was more than being setters and Shouyou knew this. He didn’t have to tell him. 

Kenma wanted to be selfish. He wanted Shouyou all to himself just like he wanted Kuroo to stay by his side. It made his stomach turn until he was sick, but just once he wanted to act selfishly and have it work. He should’ve known better. 

The silence was there again and the frown only got deeper. 

Kenma didn’t go to Shouyou’s house much after that.

 

“Kozume-san,” a voice called to him followed by a head popping out of their shared bathroom, “the shower is free.”

Kageyama came out of the bathroom completely, only a pair of sweatpants on. 

After a few weeks of awkward silences, Kenma had reluctantly gotten used to Kageyama being his roommate. It helped that they rarely were in the room together when they were awake, seeing as Kenma had sought solace in the library and Kageyama was either off at practice or at the school’s gym exercising. They rarely bumped into each other in their room and almost never saw each other on campus. However, every Friday it seemed Kageyama had barely any classes and neither did Kenma, thus that was the day they saw each other most. Kageyama would go to exercise sometimes, but Kenma supposes everybody needs a break.

Kageyama had just got back from the gym and immediately hopped into the shower while Kenma played a game on his phone. He had been meaning to get a shower before Kageyama got back, but he buried himself in homework to pass some hours along. By the time he had finished, the other was back and in the bathroom, so he pulled out his phone and continued where he left off in his newest game (he had almost beaten level 56). 

Kenma nodded, tossing his phone on his bed while he grabbed his pajamas and headed to the bathroom. 

Once he was finished, hair still dripping, he plopped on his bed to continue on his game and make it to level 57. 

“Kozume-san, you should really dry your hair.”

Kenma scowled, tilting his head up to take a glance over at the other. Kageyama met his gaze and he couldn’t help but to look away almost as quick as he had looked over. This was the one thing Kenma hated the most about Kageyama: he couldn’t tell how he felt by looking at his face. He was always frowning and his eyes were almost always staring intensely at something. His eyes were too hardened for his liking. 

“Kenma,” was all he said in reply.

“W-What?”

“You can call me Kenma.”

There was a looming silence. Normally, Kenma liked the silence; he was comforted by the quiet, which is why the library had become his sanctuary. He liked quiet places. Yet, he couldn’t stand this silence.

“Kenma-san,” he muttered, scratching his neck and finally looking away from Kenma.

“Just. Kenma.”

“Okay,” he shifted to look at Kenma again but he opted to look back down at his phone, “Kenma, you should really dry your hair.”

He huffed, tossing his phone to the bed and grabbing his towel. He made sure to turn his sharp eyes Kageyama’s way as he put the towel on his head and dried his hair roughly. He was suddenly reminded of Kuroo and his insistence on Kenma drying his hair better after he got out of the shower. Some nights, Kuroo would take the towel away from Kenma and dry it for him. He didn’t need somebody else, especially Kageyama, nagging him about such things.

But then Kageyama was in front of him and he could see his blue eyes and slight frown. He was always frowning, Kenma hated it, but somehow his eyes didn’t look as hard as they usually did. He grabbed the towel, pushing Kenma’s own hands away, and started drying Kenma’s hair for him. He was frowning deeper now and his gaze was directed at his hair. 

“You didn’t have to be so rough about it,” he says and Kenma sighs. relinquishing control. Kageyama was surprisingly gentle as he dried his hair. He was practically  massaging his head and he nearly forgot to question why the heck Kageyama was suddenly feeling chummy enough with him to touch him, let alone talk to him. As the other pulled the towel from his head, he opened his mouth to question everything that had just transpired but Kageyama said, “Kuroo-san was right when he said you are a bit lazy.”

“Kuroo? Wait,” Kenma stared at him, “when did Kuroo say this?”

“Oh, I thought you knew. He and I have been talking. He apparently got my number from

Daichi and--”

“Why are you guys talking?”

“He was,” he coughed, “he was worried about you because you weren’t texting him as often. And he asked me to, uh, he had requested I-- Never mind what he asked me.”

“Tell him not to worry.”

“Shouldn’t you tell him that, Kenma-san?”

He simply glared and grumbled out, “It’s just Kenma.”

 

“How did you get my number, Kuroo-san?” Kageyama questioned, heavy puffs of breath coming out of his mouth as he wiped the sweat from his forehead. All he wanted to do was run in peace, but his phone started buzzing endlessly in his pocket. He had assumed it was Hinata to bug him again, seeing as the boy freaked out when he found out Kenma was his roommate. Instead, he was surprised to hear a much different voice on the other line.

“Daichi is a wonderful guy who loves me so much--”

“You wish,” he hears off in the distance on the other side of the phone.

“So he willingly gave your phone number to me when I asked.”

“You stole my phone from me!” another yell from Kuroo’s side along with some rustling. He is quite sure he heard a very loud smack as well.

“Ah anyway,” Kuroo said, coughing slightly, “I hear that you’re rooming with Kenma.”

“Yes, I am.” 

Kageyama felt uneasy every time he actually encountered Kenma in their room. He

didn’t know what to say to him after the man had run away from him at their first encounter. He supposes it wasn’t much different from high school; Kenma was still terrified of him and, well, Kageyama couldn’t really blame him. At some point he tried to smile at Kenma when they were in the room together and the other ran out of the room while muttering something about going to the library. He really should stop trying to smile.

“Look, I need to ask you something. Actually, it’s more like I need you to do something for me,” Kuroo explained. Kageyama shifted from one foot to another before deciding to sit down at the nearest bench; he had a hunch that the conversation was going to take longer than five minutes. “Kenma he’s--Well he’s been a little off. I knew that going to different schools was going to be hard and it...it really has been. For both of us, whether or not Kenma realizes it. I need some help and you’re all I got. Shorty not there with you? I thought you guys were--”

“Hinata decided on a different school. They offered him a spot on the team and he took the offer.”

All of them had grown since their first year of high school. Enough that people were definitely keeping an eye on them. It was strange at first, the idea of not being partners anymore. He had always thought that Hinata had a better time at adjusting than he did. 

It took a while to get used to the idea that Hinata and him were now officially rivals and that only. No longer on the same side. It was strange that he had gotten accustomed to Hinata being his partner. He had almost forgotten that they were supposed to beat one another. That’s what they had said, right? At their graduation, Hinata had told him that he would really beat him and that competitive spark in him lit again. They were on different sides now, but everything between them was different. 

“Oh, well. Do you still keep up with him? I’m surprised about you two. Kenma always said you were attached at the hip.”

“Does that matter?”

“Nah, it doesn’t. I think it would’ve been good for Kenma if shorty was there, though. He,” there was a pause as he heard Kuroo audibly gulp, “never told me why they stopped talking.”

Kageyama vividly remembered that time. Hinata was faltering at practices, flying off the handle at anyone who tried to talk to him, even Yamaguchi. It didn’t last long, the burst of anger sizzling out as he broke down. He barely understood the other as he blubbered out that Kenma had stopped talking to him. He didn’t know why it upset Hinata that much, not at the time. But he could see it when they went to Nekoma and they didn’t even look at one another. Every so often, Hinata had tried to approach Kenma, but the blonde turned away from him. He had never seen Kenma avoid Hinata. 

“Hinata keeps asking me about him and I wish he’d talk to Kozume-san himself.”

“Hinata’s asking about him?” 

“He hasn’t stopped texting me about him since I said we were roommates.” Another pause came and Kageyama was starting to get an itch to run again. “May I ask what you need help with exactly?” 

“Oh yeah, right! I know you’re, well,  _ you _ \--”

“What does that mean?!”

“--but could you please at least try to get along with him? And, um, keep an eye out for him? I don’t--I can’t stand that he hasn’t been telling me things. And I know that he doesn’t have, like, any friends. I know a few of our old teammates go there, but they are always so busy. And Yaku is getting stressed out with school and work that he barely has time to visit him. I also feel bad for insisting he look after him.”

“Why not let Kozume-san take care of himself?”

He was surprised to hear Kuroo laughing, “He’s lazy, but that’s not the only reason. There are some things I know Kenma will kick my ass if I tell anyone about, but trust me. He can take care of himself, he was doing it for a whole year and he made it. I’m not worried about him taking care of himself, per se. I’m more worried about him isolating himself. He always does that when something’s wrong and he’s been doing it for over a year now. I’m worried, Yaku’s worried and has tried his best. Coming to you is pretty much the last idea I got seeing as you’re roommates. I know Kenma was never friends with you, actually you gave him the creeps.”

“You don’t have to remind me,” Kageyama muttered, but Kuroo ignored him.

“If you don’t want to, that’s fine. You can get on with your life and fill your head even further with volleyball. I can’t stop you. But if you don’t mind, I would be grateful.”

Kuroo’s voice was much softer than it had been before. He never considered Kuroo to be the serious type. Kageyama wasn’t the best at judging someone’s character, he was rarely observant outside of volleyball. Despite that, it didn’t take an observant eye to see how he interacted with other people. He was quite obvious about it. Kageyama was taken aback by such a sincere tone.

“I’ll think about it.”

 

“Ko--Kenma,” Kageyama called from the other side of the door, “could you please open the door? I can’t get my key.”

Sighing as he shoved himself away from his desk, he made his way to the door. He had to admit, he was grateful to get away from his homework. Sliding open the door, he found Kageyama standing their with two very full takeout bags. 

“I didn’t know what you liked, so I purchased a few options.”

Stepping away to let Kageyama in the room, Kenma stared, wide eyed, as the other placed the two bags down on his own desk. He was rummaging through the bags, pulling out all kinds of food and Kenma was trying to form his thoughts into words. He nearly forgot to close the door as his brain jumbled with thoughts.

“Wha--”

“I’m sorry I didn’t ask you what you wanted. I was really hungry after practice and I hadn’t had take out in a while. I, um. Sorry.”

Kenma could see Kageyama’s red cheeks when he finally turned to look at him instead of digging through the food. He was still frowning, of course he was frowning, but he wasn’t looking directly at him. Instead, he was looking pointedly away from him. Kenma blinked slowly.

After a few moments of staring at Kageyama’s face as his cheeks flushed darker, Kenma stepped forward, pulling the bag in his direction to rummage for food. Kenma wasn’t one to care for personal space once he was fairly familiar around someone, so he didn’t bat an eye when their shoulders bumped each other. He could feel the other tense up beside him, but he chose to ignore him.

Once they both took to their beds to sit and eat, the room filled with silence. Kenma found it a bit more comforting this time.

 

Somehow or another, Kenma had developed a routine with his roommate. Though, it took him a few months to realize he had fallen in it, which was unlike him. People knew him to be perceptive, but maybe that only extended to other people and not himself. 

It wasn’t that Kenma didn’t notice that Kageyama was talking to him more, greeting him when they had a chance meeting on campus, having lunch with him when they could, playing video games with him (even though Kageyama always seemed to lose), and inviting Kenma to some of his volleyball games (which Kenma surprisingly showed up at a few). He noticed, alright. It was strange, at first.

Kageyama jumbled with his words a lot, but he spoke the most in their conversations. Kenma could tell he was sincerely making an effort to converse with him, though he wasn’t sure why. Sure, Kuroo might’ve talked to him, but it wasn’t like Kageyama was _obligated_ to listen to him. There were other times Kageyama didn’t talk and it was quiet between them. It was no longer daunting, weighing heavy on him with Kageyama’s intense stare. It was nice. Being around Kageyama was...not that bad. 

After being around him for a good chunk of time, Kenma got comfortable around him. He discovered that Kageyama didn’t always frown, but when he did it didn’t always mean he was unhappy. Kenma would visit his games and see the look on his face as he gave awkward compliments to his teammates. Sometimes he tried to give Kenma compliments too and Kenma had to repress his laughter. Kenma’s favorite face of Kageyama’s had to be when he was excited and happy about something. His lips wobbled, crooked upward in one of the most endearing smiles. The first time Kenma had seen it, he gawked at it for a few moments and tried (and failed) not to smile himself.

The moment that it finally struck Kenma that the dynamic between them had changed was the night Kageyama came to their room yet again with some takeout and sat on Kenma’s bed beside him. Kenma always prided himself on not caring about personal space. Once he relaxed around someone, personal space whittled away bit by bit. He rarely took notice of it either, he didn’t care to put much effort into thinking about it.

Now, though, he was acutely aware of the little space between the two of them on his bed. They were leaning against the wall his bed was on and eating. Their shoulders were touching and Kageyama was mumbling about one of his teammates. It was relatively quiet in the room and Kageyama didn’t even flinch when Kenma placed his food down beside him and picked up his phone. His voice did teeter off and he focused on eating, but he expressed no complaints in ending their (mostly one-sided) conversation. 

Kenma typed out a message quickly and sent it Kuroo’s way.

**> what exactly did you tell Kageyama to do?**

**> >wat do u mean?**

Kenma couldn’t suppress the roll of his eyes and the small sigh that came out of his mouth.

**> you know exactly what i mean. **

**> if your worried about me, i wish youd just tell me instead of sending someone to take care of me.**

Almost immediately after he sent the texts, Kenma’s phone began to buzz with Kuroo’s ringtone and he nervously escaped the room with a “I’ll be back” and rushed out the door. He made sure to leave the building because the walls were thin and it was late. 

Picking up the phone with a shaky breath, he said, “What is it?”

“I am worried, but not because you can’t take care of yourself.” Kuroo’s voice was low, but sharp. “You don’t--You haven’t been telling me things. I know you haven’t. Why haven’t you told me what happened with Hinata? Or that you don’t have any friends? Why--”

“It wasn’t important. And how do you know that I don’t have friends?”

“Yaku--”

“So is that what you’ve been doing? Getting people to spy on me for you? Why? I’m not a child.”

“Fuck Kenma,” Kuroo breathed out, exhaustion lacing through his tone, “I didn’t know what else to do! I was desperate! You weren’t talking to me and I couldn’t just walk on over to your place to confront you!”

“I thought the point of all of this was to get used to being apart and not always being able to be there for one another and--” Kenma was rambling. He never rambled because talking was tiring. But now he was beyond upset and Kuroo was so far away and could do nothing about it. He was nearing tears and he hated it. He hated crying and being upset; crying made his eyes sting and being upset made him want to curl in a ball and hide away forever. 

“Just because I’m not there doesn’t mean I don’t want to be your friend Kenma! Fuck. Fucking hell. This wasn’t--This didn’t turn out like I thought it would. I thought space would help. I thought we could deal with this, that I could and you could. And it hurt like hell knowing that you weren’t coming to my school, that we’d still be apart, but I thought it would be good for us. I wanted it to be good for us. I don’t want you to depend on me or Hinata or Yaku or Kageyama or anyone. I don’t want to treat you like a child! I just want to talk to you again and help you. I want to help you. You don’t have to be alone Kenma, I don’t know why you think you have to!”

Kenma choked out a sob and pulled the phone away from his ear. He hit the end call button and crouched down where he was standing. He was shaking, shivering and repeating every little word Kuroo said to him in his brain. His phone buzzed in his hand but he barely heard it as tears ran down his face and his breath sped up. His head was scattered and beginning to ache. 

When he went back up to his room, Kageyama was finished eating and ready for bed. 

His eyes were still stinging and he was sure they were puffy and red, his head ached tremendously, and he was just now starting to breathe normally.

Kageyama eyed him for a while. He stared long and hard, moving his mouth up and down but not speaking. Kenma drifted towards his bed, not bothering to change his clothes, and out of the corner of his eyes he could see Kageyama reach out his hands. When he looked over at him, though, they fell loosely to his sides. He was frowning and Kenma could practically see the cogs working in his brain. Kenma climbed into his bed, shutting off the lamp beside it on the way. He curled into the covers and waited until he heard Kageyama shut off his own light and settle into his own bed to shut his eyes.

They still burned and he was so exhausted, but he couldn’t fall into sleep like he had hoped. The room’s silence was heavy again, uncomfortable and stifling. He knew Kageyama was awake because his breath wasn’t coming out in even puffs and he wasn’t muttering sleepily. 

“Kageyama?” he said quietly, but loud enough to reach the other’s ears.

“Yeah?” His tone was soft and something about it made Kenma’s eyes burn with new tears. 

He nearly choked as he said, “Why does everyone worry about me so much?”

The answer was immediate, no hesitation or pause that was usually there, no heavy silence to sit between them, “Because we care about you.”

Kenma clutched at his blanket and said no more. He didn’t get much sleep that night.

  
  


“Wow, you’re dorm room has its own bathroom?! Awesome, I wish mine did!” Hinata exclaimed, hopping excitedly around in the small bathroom.

“This is no time to get excited about a bathroom, Hinata! Come on!” Kageyama said, waving his hands around and suppressing the urge to grab onto Hinata’s head to scold him. Now was not the time for fighting. Plus, they had already raced over to his dorm (which resulted in Hinata passing the building). 

“I know, I know. I’m here to talk to Kenma, but he’s not back from classes yet! What’s bad about checking out the place in the meantime? This is the first time I’ve visited this school!”

“How are you being so damn calm about all of this?! Aren’t you the least bit worried--”

“Of course I am,” Hinata growled. His rage could sometimes be much scarier than anything Kageyama could conjure up. “I’ve been worried since he stopped talking to me in the first place! I never got to apologize, I never got to say anything at all to him! He wouldn’t let me!”

Crossing his arms, Kageyama glared, “When have you ever given up so easily?”

“You act like I haven’t tried!”

“Did you?!”

The air between them became still, Hinata standing tall with his fists clenched at his sides. His eyes were burning bright and Kageyama was already preparing himself to get punched. 

He knew he was toeing a line. He had a bad habit of being insensitive in the worst moments. He wasn’t sure why he had said it, but as he got closer to Kenma, he had to wonder what exactly transpired between them. Hinata never told him, he simply said that Kenma quit talking to him. He also cried a lot and Kageyama didn’t know what to do when that happened. He hates when people cry because he never knows if he should talk to them, get them tissues, tell them everything’s going to be okay, or hug them. No matter how many movies he’s watched, he still wasn’t sure what was appropriate to do in situations where someone is crying. 

“You’re,” Hinata sighed, “you’re right. Why do you, of all people, have to be right about this?” Kageyama pointedly set his gaze away from Hinata, eyebrows scrunching downward and lips dipping into a deep scowl. “I did try, but I didn’t try hard enough. I should’ve. I definitely should’ve. I just--I felt hurt because it felt like he was making me choose between you and him.”

“Wait, what?” He chanced a look over at Hinata and realized his eyes were no longer burning, but downcast. 

“I didn’t see why I had to choose either one of you over the other! You were both my friends! So I gave up because I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to say to make things better.”

And at that moment, the door swung open and Kenma stood in the doorway, wide eyed the moment he laid eyes on Hinata. 

Kageyama thought he was having deja vu when Kenma turned and ran down the hall. Hinata was the one to chase after him and he just stood there, watching as they ran out of the building. 

 

“Kenma, wait! Please! I just want to talk!”

He was getting tired. He was getting tired of running. It was the most exercise he had gotten in awhile. He could also see the eyes that were turning on him and Hinata as they ran across campus. At some point he decidedly stopped, leaning against a tree to catch his breath. It was pointless trying to run away from Hinata anyhow; the boy was too fast for him to ever out-run.

Kenma took the moment to get a good look at the other, eyeing him up and down. He noted the shorter, bright head of hair and the way his lean body had become more defined. He was definitely still short, but he certainly hadn’t let himself go like Kenma had. It made sense; he hadn’t seen Hinata for a year and a half and he could rightfully assume that he had continued volleyball into college. Kageyama never mentioned it, but that might’ve been because he probably knew, at least vaguely, that Hinata and him were no longer speaking to one another.

“Kenma, why do you,” he sighed and Kenma was jealous of how he didn’t even seem out of breath, “always run away? I tried to talk to you back in school, I tried texting and calling you but you never responded.”

“I’m sorry.” It was curt and toneless. He wrapped his arms around himself, leaning heavily against the tree and facing the ground. 

“I’m sorry too.”

“What?” Kenma whipped his head up and nearly let it collide with the tree.

“I’m sorry Kenma. I should’ve tried harder. I didn’t know what to do or say! I wanted to make things better but I didn’t know how. I wish I had just said that. I didn’t know why I had to choose between you and Kageyama. That’s what you wanted, for me to choose? Um, right?”

Kenma slid down the tree, letting himself sit on the ground and pull his knees to his chest. His head was beginning to ache again, his eyes edging on tears, and he silently wondered why he was crying so often lately if he hated it so much.

The sun was out, the wind was chilly, and he couldn’t help but want to go back to his room and curl under the covers with his games and nothing else. 

“I just wanted to--It felt like everyone was going away from me. Like...nobody needed or wanted me anymore. Kuroo, he said that being away from each other would be good for us, you wanted to b-be with Kageyama as the perfect duo, and everyone else was leaving. I felt so...alone. I wanted ju-just once to--” He was crying, pulling his legs in tighter and smothering his face into them. “I thought I needed to leave people a-alone. I didn’t want to be selfish. I didn’t want t-to hurt anyone, so I thought it was be-better to stop letting myself get close to people. At least then I wouldn’t be such a burden.”

Warm hands delicately placed themselves on his knees and it reminded him of the warmth he felt when he stayed over at Hinata’s and let Natsu jabber away while playing with his hair, the soft look in Kuroo’s eyes as he laughed and dried his hair, and the contentment that ran through him every time Kageyama brought back food and sat side by side with him. He wanted that warmth, he wanted to keep it and never let it go. 

“Kenma, you’re not a burden. You’re my friend and it’s okay to want to,” Hinata paused and hummed for a moment, “be wanted? Yeah, it’s okay to want to be wanted! We want to be here for you! Kuroo, me, and all your other friends! Even Kageyama, though he probably won’t tell you because he’s bad at saying those things.”

Hinata laughed softly and Kenma took that chance to peek up at him. 

“Hinata,” Kenma breathed out, but the name didn’t fit right on his tongue. “Shouyou, I’m so, so sorry--”

“It’s okay, Kenma, it’s really okay.”

And they sat there by the tree, Hinata wrapping his arms around him and Kenma let himself sink into it. They didn’t speak. Kenma breathed in and out slowly, remember Kuroo in the back of his mind telling him to breathe in, count to five, and breathe out. He was grateful that it was the weekend and the campus was not as packed as usual.

“You know, it’s weirdly cold here considering summer is nearly here,” Hinata chuckled, still holding onto him. “The sun’s out and everything! That should be illegal, the sun being out on a cold day. Too deceiving!”

A small, quiet giggle erupted from Kenma and he pushed his face further into Shouyou’s chest to hide it. He missed him. He missed Shouyou. He missed Kuroo. He missed this warmth.

“Shouyou, why are you here?” he questioned after pulling away from him, settling himself from the laughter. He was still smiling though. 

“I had wanted to come as soon as Kageyama said you guys were roommates!” he shouted, smiling brightly like the old Shouyou he knew, but coughed and scratched his cheek soon after, his eyes shooting away from him. “I was, um, nervous though. I was scared you would run off like you did!”

Kenma turned away as well and asked, “But if that’s true, why are you here?”

“Kageyama insisted I come! I think he was sick of me asking about you, at least at first. But then he called me all serious-like and said, ‘Come help Kenma-san. I won’t take no for an answer!’” Kenma hid his grin behind his hand at the deep, raspy voice Shouyou tried to pull off to mimic Kageyama (he even morphed his face into an exaggeratedly brooding expression). “And then he hung up! I called back, of course because he’s so damn cryptic, but he finally explained so I came! I was worried.”

“I’m sorry--”

“No more sorry’s! This is getting a bit depressing,” Shouyou grinned widely and giggled. “Just no more hiding stuff! Or running off! You can talk to us, we’ll listen. Or! Or we can just hang out and play games together! Or you can visit me and I can show you around campus! Or we can take a roadtrip to Kuroo’s school and go see him! Or,  _ or-- _ ”

“Thank you, Shouyou.”

“You’re welcome! But I, uh, don’t know what I did,” scratching his cheek again, he laughed nervously. “Honestly, you should probably thank Kageyama. I don’t think I would’ve gotten the courage to be here or even say anything if he hadn’t stuck his big ol’ annoying head in the mix and yelled at me. You should get him meat buns! Or pork curry!”

Kenma just smiled in return. He had an idea on how to thank him.

 

“Hey, Kozume-senpai?” a small, shaking voice called for him from his side. 

He had been sitting in the library, texting back and forth between Kuroo and Shouyou. It had been a week since Shouyou had showed up at his school. 

Kenma and him spent the rest of the day walking around his campus and they eventually caught up with Kageyama, who they found at the school’s gym practicing alone. Shouyou shined with excitement as he took a chance look at Kenma, as if asking for permission. He felt a small sting for having made Shouyou feel as if he had to ask permission to go play with Kageyama. He simply nodded, watching them play for a bit before they both insisted he joined. Kageyama and him took turns and Kenma would stop every so often to give them tips on different things. It felt exhilarating playing volleyball again, though Shouyou and Kageyama’s enthusiasm mostly fueled his excitement. Kageyama burst out, asking him all types of questions that Shouyou had quietly informed him that Kageyama had been holding in since high school. 

Kenma had scrounged up some money and took them to get meat buns afterward. Shouyou had to leave soon after, thus leaving Kenma and Kageyama to walk back alone to their room together. It had been silent and Kenma felt relieved that it was so comfortable that he and Kageyama bumped arms and hands all the way back. He reveled in the way Kageyama’s cheeks heated up.

He let Kageyama go up to the room first. He had stood outside the dorm for a while, staring at the number he had typed into his phone before finally hitting call.

“I’m okay,” Kenma said as soon as he heard breathing on the other line.

“Hm, well I detect no lie,” a voice laughed and Kenma’s entire body warmed up at the sound of it. It was good to hear Kuroo laugh again. “No more lying, right?”

“Right,” he answered resolutely.

“Alright, good. I’m gonna come up next weekend to visit and I’m bringing Bokuto with me because he hasn’t stopped asking about you since, well, forever. Akaashi will probably come too. And Daichi will be coming too, mostly to check up on Kageyama like the father bird he is.”

“Shut the hell up Kuroo,” a sleepy voice called from the other side of the phone. 

“I’m not going to sit outside in the sun with you, it’s going to be hot,” Kenma insisted.

“Oh I’m draggin’ your ass outside whether you like it or not, game console and all.”

“Thanks, Kuroo,” he smiled, clutching the phone in his hands and glancing up at the dorm building. 

“What are best friends for?”

Kenma shook his head, hiding his smile at the memory and looking over to the girl standing next to him. She was short, part of her blonde hair tucked into a side ponytail. He looked her up and down and she jumped as his sharp eyes scanned her. He blinked, a bulb lighting in his head as he answered, “Yes, Yachi?”

“Oh!” she jumped again, nervously looking from side to side. Her eyes gazed over to a table behind her and all eyes were on them. She scratched the back of her head and said, “Um, well, uh, m-my friends were wondering if you wanted to join our study group! I mean, I was wondering as well. We always see you sitting here by yourself and wanted to invite you over bu-but we weren’t sure. Actually I wasn’t sure. But uh--Well, I know we’re in a class together and--”

“Yeah, I’ll join,” he put his phone in his pocket and gathered up his stuff. 

“Oh,” she gasped, “really?!” 

A few student’s hushed them from different directions and Kenma gave her a small smile. He followed her over to the table and a few people waved. He nodded as everyone around the table introduced themselves, getting hushed by other students, again, for being a little too loud about it. Then they all settled down together, pulling out textbooks and notebooks and silently studying together. It was strange. Kenma felt uncomfortable and squirmed a bit in his seat. He itched to take out his phone to text someone, anyone that wasn’t the people at the table who he didn’t know. He had promised Kuroo, after much reluctance, that he would try to talk to people. It felt like taking a dive into the unknown because he was all alone, no Kuroo, Shouyou, Kageyama, or anyone guiding him there. He was on the brink of getting up when Yachi spoke.

“Um, Kozume-senpai, could you help me with this?” She was whispering now, though there was still an edge to her voice. She was fidgeting, eyes jumping back and forth between his cheek (she wouldn’t look him in the eye) and the book she pushed towards him. If Kenma remembered correctly, Yachi was not a person who really needed help with studies.

He felt himself relax because he could see it, just like he saw it with Kageyama. She was trying and something about that made him feel warm again. He nodded his head and pulled the book closer to him.

 

“Kenma, may I walk you to the library today? I am going that way for practice anyhow,” Kageyama said, moving from foot to foot as he let his eyes focus on the door. He was frowning, Kenma noticed, but his cheeks were red. Kenma hid his grin with his phone as he agreed.

They weren’t even out of the dorm building when Kenma smoothly tucked his hand into Kageyama’s. The other tensed, but said nothing. Kageyama simply situated their hands so their fingers laced together. 

“The coach said to come by practice sometime,” Kageyama blurted out as they made their way to the library. His grip tightened slightly and he sounded very stiff. Kenma smiled as he realized Kageyama was stubbornly keeping his gaze fixed in front of him. “He was, uh, impressed with the idea you had when I told him. I mean, I’m sorry I told him what you told me! He asked where I learned some things and I just told him.”

“I might come sometime.”

Kenma decided not to hide his lips this time because Kageyama was looking down at him, finally, and Kenma felt oddly triumphant. 

“O-Okay, grafe, great! I meant great!”

He laughed freely, squeezing Kageyama’s hand and stopping in his tracks. They reached the library and Kenma was feeling a bit giddy. Thus, he pulled at Kageyama’s hand, forcing the other to come down to his level. He relished in Kageyama’s wide eyes and pink face before he pressed a small kiss to his lips. He let himself linger there, waiting for Kageyama to relax. He eventually leaned into him after a few moments, unsurely placing his hand on the side of Kenma’s face. He jumped away a moment later when a few voices got closer. He was sputtering and Kenma decided that he would call him cute later. For now, all he said was, “Thank you, Tobio.”

Kenma calmly pulled away, heading toward the library. He only chanced one look back to see Tobio standing dumbstruck behind him, eyes blown and mouth hanging open. His face was entirely red at that point. Feeling smug, he made his way into the library without another word or look.  


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In retrospect, Kenma mused that maybe this was his fault; that, for all his observations, he seemed to overlook this one thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *crosses fingers* Hope you guys like it!

A couple weeks ago, after Shouyou and him had reunited, he had started back on a slow track with Kuroo, and started a new friendship with someone, he was sure that he had also come out of all of that with a boyfriend. Sure, it was presumptuous of him, but he was positive the kiss sealed the deal because hand-holding became a norm, smiles became less hidden from both of them, and sitting in Kageyama’s lap while playing video games became comfortable.

When Kenma had spoken to Shouyou about all of this, he had asked if they had gone on a date yet and he promptly replied, “Nothing outside of the usual food together on Fridays.”

This was fine, for him anyway. He didn’t mind the lack of romantic endeavors and flashy shows of affections. Kenma preferred the comfort in lazy afternoons playing video games because it was something he was familiar with. However, he supposed that getting off campus might be good for them.

This, in turn, led him to asking Kageyama on a date, in so many words. So many words being, “We should catch this movie together.”

The movie was dull and Kenma did his best to stay awake, but Kageyama was the first to slump over on his shoulder. He really should stop taking movie suggestions from Kuroo. 

After the movie was over and they were walking out of the theater, hand in hand, together, it had never occurred to him that he had still never called their date a, well,  _ date _ . 

Kageyama’s phone buzzed and he pulled it out, grumbling about “stupid Hinata.” He used his free hand to check a message and, immediately upon seeing whatever the message said, almost dropped his phone as he called out, “We’re dating?!”

“Wha--”

“We’re--We are on a  _ date _ ? This is a date?!” Kageyama sputtered, pulling his hand away to cover his face with it while the other was still clutching his phone. 

Even in the dark and his hand covering most of it, Kenma could see his face turning red. If his mind wasn’t in overdrive trying to grasp what was occurring, he would’ve admired it more.

“What?” was Kenma’s helpful reply. 

“You didn’t tell me this was a date! I-I would’ve--”

“Tobio.” Kageyama stopped as a hand pulled his own away from his face. He had no choice but to look down at Kenma and his sharp, unreadable face. “Did I not make it clear that we were on a date?”

“I-I, well,” Kageyama stumbled over his words, shuffling his feet where he stood, “I had a...feeling, but I wasn’t sure. You never said this was a date. You never said we were ever going out, we just started doing all this and it confused me.”

In retrospect, Kenma mused that maybe this was his fault; that, for all his observations, he seemed to overlook this one thing. He assumed he was obvious, but maybe from Kageyama’s point-of-view, it wasn’t. Kenma still knew so little about him, like how he sees the world, what he likes outside of volleyball, and how he thinks and perceives things. 

“Tobio, would you like to be together? Would you like to be my boyfriend?” Kenma had hoped that his poker face wouldn’t fail him, even as Kageyama’s cheeks turned a darker shade of red, his lips wobbled into that crooked smile, and his eyes  lit up like they did when he picked up a volleyball. Kenma felt  _ loved,  _ whether he said it or not.

“Ye-Yes,” Kageyam--Tobio answered, grabbing onto his hand again. It was the first time he grabbed for his hand. “Yes, I would. I..I really like you, Kenma.”

Kenma was so warm, Tobio’s hand was burning in his, and he simply smiled, “I really like you too.”

 

Tobio was baffled, absolutely  _ baffled _ over the sudden overflow of questions from Kenma. It was the most he heard him talk since he met him and it was jarring to hear such a quiet person change gears within a night. He was still speaking with the same quiet and borderline monotone voice, still piercing him with those unreadable eyes, and still lazing around on his game console, but he was also asking him questions.

Kenma was also...being blunt. Tobio didn’t mind this, actually he appreciated it. He had spent weeks agonizing over whether to ask Kenma out or question if they were already dating. It was as if he was in some limbo and he pestered Kuroo for weeks but all he replied with was, “Why don’t you just ask him?”

The idea of walking up and asking Kenma these things terrified him; there were too many possibilities of it failing tremendously for him, or at least that’s what he believed. 

Tobio had never dated anyone before, let alone found anyone physically or romantically attractive. There was volleyball and that was it, he didn’t have time for anything else. He barely made time for friends. This was new territory he didn’t know how to navigate and he nearly called up Oikawa to ask for advice (didn’t he have a lot of girlfriends before?). He didn’t even have any movies or books to reference because he always despised reading and found romantic movies boring. 

So Kenma started asking questions, even asking if it was okay to hold his hand, to sit beside him, and kiss him. It was overwhelming, being in a relationship, because now he wasn’t just thinking about volleyball, he was thinking about Kenma too. It was so strange to him, so  _ new _ , but he was sure that it was a good thing.

Kenma didn’t seem to mind his hesitance, didn’t roll his eyes when he got frustrated over whatever he was talking about, didn’t flinch when he got especially fired up about the things he liked. He just listened. And when he was done, he asked Kenma the same thing that he had asked, wanting desperately to know more about him. (Hinata stopped answering his questions about Kenma about two days in and scolded him for not asking Kenma himself.)

“What happened between you and Hinata, you know, before?” finally slipped out of Tobio’s mouth, the burning question he had been waiting for the right moment to ask. He wanted to add more to it, ask how he was even involved, why him and Kuroo had drifted apart, and if Kenma was okay, but he wanted Kenma to talk, wanted to give him the opening to say it all on his own. 

“I,” Kenma paused, glancing away from him for just a moment, “messed up and hurt him. I want to say I didn’t know what I was doing, but I did.”

Kenma got up from his bed and strode over to Tobio’s. They had been sitting on their respective beds, something they hadn’t done in so long, and talking back and forth from across the room. Tobio had frowned at the distance but said nothing, still too scared to ask questions.

He strode over to Tobio and said quietly, “May I sit with you?”

Tobio nodded, scooching over to give Kenma space, which seemed unnecessary, but he wanted to give him as much space as he needed, even if Tobio wanted to be closer. Kenma opted to sit nearly an inch away from him, so he could feel the heat radiating off of him. He pulled his knees to his stomach and lowered his head, no longer looking at him. Tobio stayed quiet, waiting for him to speak again, not wanting to push him.

“It wasn’t Shouyou’s fault, it was mine. I felt like I was losing the people I cared about, so I pushed him away before I could lose him. I was mad, mad at myself for how I was acting, mad at Shouyou for letting it happen, and...mad at you because I thought he...I don’t know. I thought he was picking you over me, but he wasn’t.”

“Picked me? Picked me for what?”

There was another beat of silence before he said, “I liked Shouyou, but I thought he liked you.”

Tobio’s mouth fell open, ready to speak, but it abruptly shut again because he had no clue what to say. He wasn’t angry or anything, only mildly surprised. He had barely gotten to be around Kenma back in high school, let alone speak to him, so he had only heard about him through Hinata. He had no idea how they interacted with each other in private, had no idea how Hinata truly felt about Kenma besides being friends with him, and had no clue whether Hinata had any romantic feelings toward himself at that time. How could he have been so involved in something he had no idea was even occurring?

“I didn’t kno--”

“It wasn’t your fault either. I blamed you because I was overthinking. That was the main problem. I was assuming a lot of things.”

“Can I hold your hand?” Tobio blurted out, eyes wide and internally scolding himself for such bad timing. Tobio didn’t want to just grab his hand or pull him closer while he spoke, but Kenma looked nervous, he thinks. He wasn’t looking at him and he kept trying to pull his knees closer to him, as if trying to make himself as small as he could. Tobio didn’t know what to say to make him more comfortable, to make him stop closing in on himself, but he wanted to comfort him. He wanted to help him, but didn’t know how other than this.

Kenma answered by grabbing his hand, intertwining their fingers. Then he asked, “Why didn’t you and Shouyou go to school together?”

“Hinata was offered a spot on a team at a different school. We never really talked about going to the same school, but I think I assumed we were. It was...weird when I found out we were splitting up. It felt strange. I guess I got used to us being partners.”

Kenma’s head fell on his shoulder and Tobio’s heart soared. This was good, he thought; less space, more talking. 

“You cared about him.”

“I-I guess. As partners.”

“As friends.”

Tobio huffed and he could feel himself heating up, but tried not to fidget too much, not wanting to chance Kenma moving away from him again.

He never actually called Hinata his friend. They were partners, on court, but they started seeing each other outside of it. Tobio would sometimes get visits from him, annoyed at Hinata showing up at his house without informing him, and Tobio would, every so often, make an appearance at the Hinata residence. They would get meat buns together and talk, mostly about volleyball. He never called Hinata his friend, but he supposed that’s what he was, even if he wouldn’t admit it.

“Why did you go to a different school than Kuroo-san?”

He could feel Kenma’s body let out a shaky breath and his hand squeeze his own. 

He responded, “Kuroo told me he was going pretty far from school. I guess that’s when I started feeling scared. I didn’t follow because I thought he didn’t want me to. It’s better now, I think.”

Tobio nodded, remembering only a couple days ago when Kuroo had showed up to visit, along with Daichi, Bokuto-san, and Akaashi-san. Kuroo had enveloped him in a hug, which Kenma had protested, but he saw him relent at some point, embracing Kuroo back. Tobio didn’t catch a lot of what the said to each other, figuring he should let them be. However, Daichi had told him Kuroo wouldn’t stop talking about coming to visit. 

Another beat of silence overtook them and all that was left was the sound of their breathing. Tobio was comfortable, squeezing Kenma’s hand as well and leaning his head against Kenma’s. It was late, bordering on twelve at night, and he was getting a bit tired, but he didn’t want to move. He was warm and content.

Kenma moved away, looking him straight on, as he said, “May I sleep here? With you?”

Tobio nodded slowly.

They both situated themselves on the bed, lying close and facing each other, but not tangled together. Kenma balled up, his knees bumping Tobio’s stomach. Tobio could feel his breath on his face. Their hands fell in between them and Kenma asked if he could hold his hand again, which led to his hand on top of Tobio’s. 

They talked a little more, but Tobio could tell Kenma was teetering off. He probably spoke so much that he wore himself out. Kuroo said that he does tire easily. One more small squeeze of his hand and Kenma was breathing out, “Goodnight, Tobio.”

He smiled, scooting closer only a little, and said, “Goodnight, Kenma.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. This chapter is short and I'm sorry. After good long wait, maybe it should've been longer, but I rewrote it a ton of times bc it just wasn't rolling out the way I want it to. 
> 
> This is the second time where I write a fic and keep focusing on communication, but oh well, communication is important. Also hope it's fluffy enough for ya guys. 
> 
> I'm exhausted, but I wrote it, so yay me!
> 
> P.S. Apologize again if they're a bit ooc!

**Author's Note:**

> Kageyama totally called Hinata and asked multiple questions on how to ask Kenma on a date and where would be the perfect date. Kuroo most definitely wasn't surprised in the least when Kenma sent a short text about kissing Kageyama. He just texted back saying to make sure to have safe sex. Kenma was not appreciative. 
> 
> So I have absolutely NO idea if this is any good. I mean it's probably riddled with grammatical mistakes, but when I came up with this idea it started out completely different than it had ended. And I'm still unsure if I'm satisfied with it. And I feel like they are ooc, at least Kenma. I am so sorry my child, I put you through so much distress. I also cried a few times while writing, hooray. 
> 
> I'm sorry if the time jumps are confusing, I do that a lot when I'm writing. 
> 
> So if you wanna come yell at me, [you can find me here](http://theswootasticalstargirl.tumblr.com/).
> 
> Edit: I have decided that I'm really not satisfied with how this ended. Though it's a rare pair, I wanna continue this fic at least a little further because I have some loose ends I wanna tie up.


End file.
